Why are we so afraid of emotional intimacy?
What is emotional intimacy?
I believe that there are as many ways to love and connect, as there are people in the world. And even though there are certain aspects that different relationships can have in common, each is unique, as we are. Nonetheless, despite love’s distinctiveness, I’d like to share with you how I understand emotional intimacy, so that today, we can begin to reflect from the same standpoint.
Emotional intimacy is being noticed by another and noticing them too, it’s being truly seen. This involves complicity, trust, understanding, expansion and above all, safety in mutual vulnerability. When we are emotionally intimate, we show ourselves as we are, imperfect, recognizing that there is nothing more perfect and desirable than imperfection.
Humans can’t be understood without a relational perspective
Since before we come into this world, a biological marker activates within, awakening the need to connect with others. Then, when we are born, bonding becomes the only goal. At that moment, all our vital energy is focused on receiving recognition, because that means safety and love. We are wired to look for this because without it, we wouldn’t be able to survive.
We are a species that needs to be in a group setting not only to survive, but also to thrive, and to think of ourselves outside of a relational perspective would nullify what defines us most. Bonding precedes us and goes far beyond the life we live… Our relational story begins the moment our parents meet and goes on until the last conversation that is had about us.
Relationships are the space where we feel happiest, but also where we can suffer the most. Therefore, I believe that when we have been wounded emotionally in our relationships, emotional intimacy becomes threatening; getting close turns into the scariest possible thing imaginable for our unconscious mind. This seems absurd if we recognize that our biology is wired for connection, but in today’s society, fear is all too common.
The paradox... I want to, but I'm too scared
At this point, we can start to see the paradox… On the one hand, what we crave most is connection, but on the other, we are so afraid of emotional intimacy that we go against it. We try to justify emotional distancing, turning relationships with great potential into something disposable.
Where does so much fear come from? The way our minds work comes from relationships, especially those from the first years of our lives. When these include abandonment, rejection, humiliation, betrayal or injustice, we don’t feel safe with others. When there has been insecurity in our bonding history, emotional intimacy feels dangerous. We want to connect, but since we haven’t gotten what we need (love and safety), we stop being ourselves and adapt to what others expect of us, in hope that this will bring the emotional connection that we lack. We disconnect from ourselves to avoid loneliness and fall into dynamics of people pleasing in an attempt to prevent their absence.
In a culture of ghosting, ephemeral flirtations, situationships and I don’t know what else, vulnerability is seen as something dangerous when in reality, it holds the key to happiness. Yes, being vulnerable leaves us exposed to loss and suffering, but it’s also the element that allows us to generate nurturing bonds that protect us when our own strength is insufficient.
How can I begin to feel comfortable with vulnerability? Three pillars…
Personally, I think the answer is both simple and complex. It is paradoxical, just like the current situation regarding vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
First, we need to accept that vulnerability is an inherent condition of the human species. It’s impossible to not be vulnerable and it’s not bad. Second, getting to know our story to see how we’ve learned to connect (or disconnect) allows us to develop a new language of love and third, falling in love with ourselves is what allows us to attract and sustain healthy relationships.
Let’s get more intimate with these ideas…
Coherence, recognition and action
We usually fall in love with how people make us feel, we project. Even though illusion and idealization are necessary in the process of falling in love, they can’t be everything because when illusion outweighs pleasure, relationships become toxic. So, a part of love and self-love is prioritizing actions over charming narratives, along with consistency. This has everything to do with recognizing what we deserve and honoring it, asking for it from but also giving it to ourselves. We heal when we see ourselves and when we welcome being seen by another.
The knowledge of trauma as a language of love
I think that another important element that allows us to feel more comfortable with vulnerability is recognizing how wonderful it is to be able to share our past, with its lights and shadows. In addition, knowing your partner’s trauma is a language of love that allows you to build a more authentic relationship and, therefore, more likely to be constructive and lasting. When we believe that we have to be perfect to deserve love, we abandon ourselves, perhaps as someone did in the past. We heal when we open up and welcome emotional intimacy into our lives.
Self knowledge
Vulnerability can be connected to codependency and it’s necessary to revisit our history to work on attachment models that may be conditioning us. Initially, it can be difficult to find links between our childhood experiences with what happens to us as adults. This is because as adults we have a tendency to rationalize, while as children, we only feel and it’s feeling that becomes part of the unconscious, determining most of our choices. When it comes to a romantic partner, for example, we consciously choose certain aspects but unconsciously, we choose much more. We heal when we help ourselves to let go of past conditioning.
And finally…
As a therapist, I have often been asked how to prevent abandonment, rejection, loss, that is, how to avoid risk in emotional intimacy… The answer is that we can’t. The key is to let go of control and trust that authenticity is what makes people fall in love, and that involves being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to experience emotional intimacy. Because I can only connect as deeply with others as I have with myself, self love is key. When the relationship I have with myself is strong, people will most likely want to stay and if not, I’ll feel so solid that any departure won’t be a threat to my self esteem.